Tomorrow it will get better.
I repeat the actions Self conditioned . Like a clock I continue each habit to the second Ticking all the boxes on my anxiety to do list
Introvert in a Social Setting
I sit in a coffee shop and paint Trying to evoke emotion from a stagnant image I drew days ago The coffee shop is where I go for a comfortable alone time. A place filled with noise and people, a place where I can be alone without being completely alone. My own refugio However, I…
A Drawing to Start the Year
Dipped in greens and oranges I cannot make the right shade of brown A splash of red I throw in purple Struggling in skin . This simple drawing I made during my hour at the coffee shop is a representative of my artistic endeavors I am unsteady. A mesh. A halo halo of ideas And…
April 12
Grass not yet yellow fed by the marsh Fencing a splotch of black and white Cutting through blades, dark yellow eyes Frozen in a shadowy ditch
Hives
My skin puckers red Aggravated by the wind Forming bright full bumps
Haiku
I could never win in the cruel game of romance for you make me weak
Haiku
I beg for the rainTo feed the thinning plants wholeAnd deepen the lakes
All the possible paths to take…
I saw this sign on the road to the hospital, and it made me laugh. Out of all the things they could have defaced, out of all the ways they could have defaced, they chose this sign and that red spray paint. An image so simple, yet had caused my brain to pause As my…
11:55pm
I wonder why beauty holds so much power How a precious stone can be of wealth When there is no benefit to it other than its beauty
1:52am
Sometimes I think too much . I could feel my throat collapse on the words I can’t pronounce as ice slides down my chest and waits in my lungs Making. Every. Breath. A struggle. . Sometimes I think too much . Words visibly floating A script of what to say and do And my body…
do not give up on love
but I did give up and still it found me: parts scattered on the floor as I broomed my dirty pieces into a collage of shoddy resemblance slapped together with anxiety acting as the glue. yet he worked patiently to piece me back together providing proper adhesive in the form of gentle words and reassurances.…
Mahal
I love you like sunfire collecting starlight to mimic your voice I let it rest on my skin and watch it darken Wrapped in bright warmth; you have changed me.
Shame keeps me from sleeping peacefully
Weighing, chest full of stones thrown at myself Pound against bone I reach for a home remedy Curing the basket weaved for myself delusion in one, dreams in the other I wish. I wish. I wish. Madman. I cannot escape you I wish your image left my mind as quickly as your bruises left my…
11/30
I’d like to use my rough, torn up hands to build a home worthy for us to live in. Because my goal now includes us.
November Haiku
Your sweet affection extends past the walls I’ve built to make space for us Does your hand recall the pink stained marks of pleasure pasted by my lips? “Hey, is this for sale?” She lifted a patched up star. I sighed saying, “Yes.” i did what he said. did every effort he asked. still, it’s…
a poem for Bharti
Kind soul, loved with every inch she gave. Seeking the best interest of others in words, in actions till the very end. . Her mother said she was love love radiated from the family’s words love in the memories recounted dipped with love. Love sparkled in their eyes and dripped out from their mouths A…
idle listening
it was like i couldn’t breathe… do you really think you can hold – …my brother, he… – an arbitration clause against minors. there’s money on the table that’s somebody’s kid out there they smell blood i want to save them you can’t demand to bail out the Titanic and hand them a thimble i…
Haiku
“If words could expresshow deeply I feel for you,I would drown in them.”
bad poem, good poem
What makes a poem bad? Or rather, What makes a poem good? Simple: it isn’t a what but more of a who Because I make poems bad countless times in an effort to purge my emotions. I’ve made mixtapes dedicated to exes where I poured my regrets and agony onto word vomit. To say to…
voices from poets I admire
This is not a small voice but a lake She bends over me Sucking the bones Spitting closed vowels each morning Tasting desire – The kind of love that is draining. I hold, searching my reaches, I want….. someone Who energizes me A face that replaces the darkness. Lines taken from these poets who inspire…
Coffee shop
Today I sipped an iced latte and decompressed by pushing color through droplets. I did not think of things such as love and ethics — the usual plagues of the mind But instead focused my head on the music that played in the high ceilings And the peace that I depicted on paper in front…
Lingering
I have sought validation In cold arms with flimsy promises. But it was you With the answer: “Yes. I really do.” That made me believe again.
Haiku
I think of things likeyour smile becoming brighterwhile you sing to me
5am
I have caught raindrops in the puddles of my hand Hoping to scoop a substance so pure that it would wash clean the reflection I held for years . A single moment’s weakness can bring it back Where I audibly yell to no one, Asking to forget. Between fingertips I wrapped strings of shame and…
Appetency
I find myself watching loveless marriages and bedridden wives. Of the yellow wallpaper crawling on the ceiling, hundreds of faces. my skin turned to bark. I escape an arrow and the man who wielded it I long to hold a hand guarded by a cotton sleeve. Where fingers direct my footsteps. . Let us see…
Tipsy Poem
this is human life why take a chance with liability… can we take this experience as a couple? This is what nightmares are made of. I want to take this ride with you, and at least give you, my precious passenger, a heads up to monitor the risk factors
Haiku
I still see the bruise Purple indents on the skin Proof that you were there
Regression
I find myself again walking on the yellow padded platform jumping from train to train transferring at MacArthur and going city bound wanting a safer car. Like how I switch from man to man who offer safety and security in the sleeves of their arms where they’ll bound me tight and I so desperately comply…
Let me be your filter
I sort through your memories as you lay on my lap Storing your pain in the folds of my legs, the worst collecting on my thighs Running my fingers along your nose, I desire to please you To keep the parts you deemed beautiful pristine: the skin, the legs, the neck Hiding the clutter deep…
Dehydrated.
Emotions are heavy on the body But my heart is a thirsty worrier And he constantly waters it With small sacrifices Which I am eager to drink
Sign
My heart was alight Reading the words repeated Feeling the tender hint of love rising A fire ignited danced to the voices ringing I trembled, grinning As the blaze shifted to the familiar Chill of fear Then the heavy Disgust. . . Do I deserve this?
things overheard
“I grew up out East. I loved it there.” “And then? If you were so happy there, why move here?” “Well, the woman I love lives here. That’s what happened.” “No, no, no, no! You don’t date a guy from there, they’re all filled with such machismo and will treat you like shit. Take Carlos,…
Love lessons
I have learned lessons from previous lovers on what it feels to be given up on. And how you can give give give words of love, handmade love, love in letters and boxes and food and gifts and still only receive empty sentiments posing as love. Posing as care. Posing as something worth holding on…
It is 4am
I am not ready. My eyes sting with confusion and lack of sleep Strange noises come from this odd hotel room. A grinding buzz due to strange breathing A chorus of dreamers, The soft inhale, and exhale They’re alive. Sharing beds, I want to cry without disturbing anyone else’s sleep. Trapped Afraid to leave evidence…
you texted me out of the blue and said words I never expected to come out of you.
I rest my head under an ill fit pillow Speaking softly about my day. Enjoying the comfort found in the act of covering eyes . I whisper love into the covers praying to God for the lives of those I interact with. . I can pretend I am a saint Adorned in white sheets and…
Night Convos
“Are you over him?” “Thats hard to say.” “Well, are you?” “Why do you need to know this?” “Tell me. Are you?” “We’ve been drifting, yeah.” “I see…” . “Are you ready for love again?” “What?” “Are you?” “I’m not—“ “For love again?” “No. So just drop it.”
Touch Starved
I find myself wanting A taste of safety in warm arms And refuge in a pair of lips. . The thing is, I know where I Can sample some for They come offering it freely . Yet I want to wait For whoever my future Husband could be. And not waste any time Playing a…
Another dream of you
Why have you decided To visit in my sleep? Or did my mind wish To summon your image Seated on a park bench Gazing at the ocean relentlessly Kissing the shore? There seated, Close but not touching, We witness an encounter Where an unrelenting force Tears down another Like your skin did with mine Burning…
Morning Musings
I am a clumsy writer who sings with no conviction. Touch starved an eyelash could move and I desperate for you store every word in a corner – hoarding semi sweet utterances thrown at me with minimal care. I count the seconds on my fingers clasping cushions an artificial fill in for human companionship. I…
Feeling hopeful today
I can picture it now: I am falling in love I am building a home I am raising children . A picture once doubted. Erased from my brain A possibility I deemed impossible Now seems reasonable. . Though the players are unknown. Though the moves are invisible I don’t doubt anymore There is someone out…
good morning
heal my head of persistent memories i am afraid my tendency to swim in them each morning causes my mind to sink slowly
I still pray for you
Every night before I fall asleep. I pray that you will find someone worth making the effort for That she will be beautiful and kind and loving and everything that you deserve. Because you may not think you are worth it. But I do. I see who you are. And as corny as this sounds,…
Tipsy poem
I write head throbbing In solid straights 5/8 time My my my my all my love Has shut their eyes Clean of me you with dirty hands wipe my face Longing for a sharp longing for Feeling in my throat solid strings Connected to those asleep half hearts You look in my dreams like a…
Remembering the “I” for a moment
blue, the color extracts your essence from my skull the way your eyes clung to me telling me words passed only to lovers absent from any mouth movements just gazes fondly at my nose. . now, throw that moment away years later alone, no longer coupled. and you my love, my one, my heart, let…
Dose Without an ‘E’
I will fill my cup with liquid wishing to cushion my fall from this longing . — No, a craving — for your touch I think I’m in — no — is that too much? . I’m a ball falling from a hill I, a string twisting around still . Around you I long to…
Sleepless Haikus
I’m imagining Myself in love once again. Wouldn’t that be great? . Sleep has become scarce I savor when I have it And dread when I don’t . I know my body Throws protests against my mind When I think this way . Would lying in bed Be nicer if you were here Tightly in…
The Forest Without A
Lend me hooks to climb upon I cry into the middle of the night Yelling to the old bird stuck in the trees The old crow lingers on my wrist It builds nests constructed out of my skin I lie there on the ground The time passes slowly My body now merging with the dirt…
A moment is enough.
I will indulge in the tone of your voice as it summons the butterflies brushing inside my chest. For few a seconds I will breathe your image from my sight in hopes to preserve you in my memory. I want to document that moment, When I witnessed your mind, lightning quick, merging with your clever…
Can’t sleep, so I write
I have used your name as a substitute for loving myself. It played on my lips repeatedly A reminder that a person as wonderful as you, had the capacity to love me. . But now I shall replace your name with my own So that I could love myself with as much conviction as I…
Let me eat you.
I’d like to trace memories with teeth sinking in skin I consider your mind a forbidden snack to savor Deliciously sweet and Candy to the eyes Your voice a nourishing nectar Why are all aspects of you so D e l e c t a b l e ?
Severance
I cut my hair days after we ended In hopes of severing the parts of me you once loved Removing any trace of memory you left on my body I wanted to be clean despite the prints you left embedded in my skin I was never the same Yet over time my hair grew back…
Kilig
With your permission, I will pick your brain For flowers to braid into my hair So I can show the world That not only do we share the same thoughts But I am not ashamed to always have you on my mind.
A Question
May I ask if you still find me beautiful, like on that September day Faces blue from the aquarium Hands held and hearts shaking I once drowned in your eyes; the pits that once led to your heart I lived there. Floating through your mind. I was swimming in them. Hoping to soak in the…
Eucalyptus
I lay naked on the steps of a cave While steam rolls gently mist eucalyptus infused Tasting imagined leaves That rest on my tongue I inhale the droplets each pore of skin opens Collecting drops in the bends of my body Purging the toxins from within I run my fingers across my arms Nails digging…
Haiku
Through many attempts I tried to kill my feelings But I still love him.
buwan
gray midnight, the moon gazes she commands the sky still a face as round as mine and just as flawed with bumps and crevices a man once named it beautiful her smile illuminates the land pale washing my figure clean i lay there. back glued to the grass counting the stars that fall for me…
Tanaga 1
When in love you take a chance to let your weaknesses dance dangling in front of the one who either accepts or runs
Muse
Five years ago my muse was a man. Thin. Strong arms. Dark skin. Beautiful big lips. Kind heart. I would dream of him, wishing for him to hold me. Entranced by his eyes, kept securely by his mind. Two years ago my muse was the streets. The buildings that diminished my stature. The noise of…
Well.
i won’t admit it i dream of holding you close to me, skin to skin. longing for your touch, i ask myself do i live up to my name? over distances cut short, i imagine your life where your time belonged to me instead. voices swim, the sound brings the calm. each time you speak…
Nothing
I wish to capture the salt Of your skin on mine Instead my fingers bury themselves Into flesh. Piercing I don’t think my hands will ever heal.
Endless Cosmos
Let the cosmos guide us in a careful dance To the depths of the endless blue skies Let us take advantage of this blissful chance . Altair and Vega shine in their distant romance Despite the shimmering river cutting their cries Let the cosmos guide them in a careful dance. . As we lay together…
It rained today
A song in second voice echoes high pitched and soothing I join to sing and taste the chill rest in my teeth exhaling into white cloudtwists with the dark sky forever intertwined till the heat is lost like remnants of you scattered on my bed the flavor of you already mixed with mine
Zinnia
I’m tearing petals Each a remembrance of you. I give up waiting
Ixora
I will write a million songs for you singing gently in my heart. I will never part my lips to lyrics of the music soft in my sleep. You’re my favorite lullaby a soundtrack for my dreams a ghost of a time that will never come to pass. I see an island of unspoken promises…
Dream Journal 5
I dreamt he held my hand and I felt it linger. I felt the weight of his palm in mine. I felt his fingers rub against my skin squeezing gently. I felt him beg, “Please don’t let me go.”
Thinking too much
The blue screen of the morning air fills my lungs as I walk near the river. I sit on the rocks and hear the waters gush. Often when I am driving, a scene from the past creeps into my mind. I would tighten my grip on the wheel and… I stay up late at night…
Pent Up
Time is not mine but for others I wake up to cook to clean to walk to teach I am talked at and not to I am not stupid I am not deaf I am not ignorant I am tired.
Dream Journal 4
I dreamt of you placing leeches on my stomach telling me, “This will make you feel better”. You had tied my wrists and I had dangled there undressed as you peeled each parasite one by one only to place it on untouched skin. I felt the “pop” and the sting as you showed me their…
Pillow
I have three pillows One for my head One for my arms One for my legs I curl up against the wall With these I pretend you’re near.
Ocean
I have lived by the sea Tasting the salt in the wind Witnessing the fog roll in And envelope my house
Desert
I remember walking through the desert after school. Rolling my black cello case through the rocky dirt and dust. Though technically it wasn’t the real desert, civilization was just a jog away, a short stretch to the City that Never Sleeps. The City stuck in the Mojave. To cut through the patch of dry sand…
7:51pm
Let’s face it, a silly girl with silly dreams and silly notions lets write with the window open and shades drawn can we mark every face of the wall with lipstick every memory a jar filled with paint I am starved
River
I dipped my sore hands into its waters. The iciness soothed the sting of my cracked limbs. I thought about how there are people who will never feel this cold. The kind of cold that will numb you, awaken you, grip you. They were born to kiss the sun, their brown skin baking in nipa…
One of those days
It is one of those days where your body feels weak. Where your eyes feel salty. And your stomach is a sea. I feel weak right now. Laying on my bed. My head is floating on water. My limbs are heavy beside me. It is one of those days when your mind overthinks. And you…
Vallejo, Early 2000s
We killed a bird last week with a slingshot and it fell Trapped another in a cage mended its broken wing We caught grasshoppers with our bare hands Picked them in between rocks and glass In between houses on the dirt road Watching the sunset blind our eyes Watching the hill be on fire Watching…
Why do I love you?
I will tell you my insecurities about love and being in love and being loved. Why do I love you? Much less care for you? We are miles and miles apart. On paper, in a book, by all logical circumstances, we would never have met, much less fallen in love. To think that I would…
BET
the scorched earth that dust shoes and sink into socks The old oasis under ground Let me walk home in this heat Desert rats Shuffling through the city that never sleeps The heat cooks our brains Let us turn on the AC Before our skin singes It fried her brain as she offered desert rats …
Today today today
Today I feel nauseous. A dance is being performed inside my stomach. Many hands are climbing up my throat. A projectile dance. I am shaking. I am swinging. I am singing my fears. We are the hopeless lovers… Why do I search for kindness in fictitious eyes? Why do I long for comfort in a…
Strangers
A cycle of relationship Stranger friend stranger happenings as unfamiliar The features the tone the area The range the radius we travel 1600 sq miles is the Bay Lived here most my life Born in Vallejo Raised in Pinole/Herc Rodeo my other home yet most of you are strange to me Contact zones I sit…
Postcard 3
Let us live In the short bursts Of memory’s grasps We can climb fences Like we used to Or stay up early Watching Sweeney Todd The morning before school We are separated by miles and by time But the past Connects us Indefinitely
Postcard 2
I wait for you In the spaces between Fingers; left empty By glowing statements and salty voices I let your essence Sting me I might be Addicted to your Remains…
Postcard 1
They tell me, All Bay Area men do Is take you to a view And lie… But… yet… I still went, to search For the stars he promised In every word he muddied With the vines that ran through His blood They creeped through his fingers Often enough I could never speak a word.
To my children
who will inevitably be mixed with no known culture to claim, what drop of the islands can i give? i will sing you the unknown song of my mother and dance the unseen steps of my father for music is there, in a tune that I cannot hear joining us, linking us the sound of…
Haiku 6
Don’t worry, I’m fine My heart stays within a box Tucked in my bed
Haiku 5
Let’s drift into sleep Let’s close our eyes; tasting dark Let me hold your hand.
Haiku 4
I barely hear you Your presence lives in my heart Your voice fades daily
Haiku 3
If only I had The chance to taste light again Instead I lie alone.
Haiku 2
In a never ending Spiral crashing into my skull His voice comes in waves.
Tanka 2
I know the extent Of your love only reaches When I begin to Search for your smiles in futile Pursuits of your affection.
The Search, The Answer, The Island (Revised)
Sprawled out a log beaten by waves letting the current take away . it was time to sail kissing gray as you ventured, as you desired. . In search of the island of your need. What boat can suffice? What carriage you burden? . Your legs carry across land, your body shifts against water. The…
Haiku 1
I think about him Constantly throughout the day Does he do the same?
Tanka 1
I have felt this pain The familiar aches within My heart is a wreck Does distance decide my wounds? I thought our love was stronger.
The Island
You ventured forward through the dark waters, Swimmer, And with each stroke came closer to her yellow shores Till a voice rang out, halting your pursuit Stop! she cried, don’t come any closer. I do not want you near. Don’t walk upon my face. Please just go, erase this place from your mind! But, Island.…
The Voices Answer
You waited, Swimmer, For a word, a beat, a reply What came over you, My Simple Swimmer? To challenge death in deep disguise? Their voice trembled through the ocean It raged and bit the salted grave Yet, still you held firm, your relentless glinted gaze you boldly broke the strained lull Please, you begged, I’m…
The Search for a Voice
You’re sprawled out like a log beaten by the waves letting the current take you away. it was time to sail the sea. You kissed the gray as you ventured, as you desired. In search of the island of your need. But what boat can suffice? What carriage shall bear you as it’s burden? Your…
‘sea
did you know, ‘te, that my brother isn’t himself when he is… swimming upwards On all fours to reach shavasana through cotton-mouth introductions in the surging sea? floating by the hungry who beg and beg for more, i was in Denial facing the needle swallowing the water to say as we trudged through the procession…
My Children
To my children, who will inevitably be mixed, half me, half him. Who I pre-named years before a man even came close to loving me… I love you, even though you do not exist yet, if you ever will exist. Even though I do not know what your faces look like, or how your voices…
18 into 1
I love that brown skin covered by that red shirt. The slanted eyebrows like whales. move them in waves it’s the sea. but I still carried your mothers in a pouch so that you can grow in my love walking over the broken fence, skipping across the railroad tracks, tripping over rocks to get there.…
A Question, Professor Pine.
Amongst the rush of nettles And the bodies of Learners That pace up and down the hills I ask you Why your limbs seem to Sag As if weighted by some Gloom That haunts the campus Of bears. You feed off Their exhaustion Don’t you? The buzz of helicopters Mixed with the sound of the…
Anaphora 