Distressing thoughts.

TW. Just a general warning before reading on… this is me venting a few things that have kept me up at night: death, anxiety, general sadness at the news going on today.

I have read a lot about Astroworld lately. It struck a chord with me because I love live music. I love being in the crowd.

But what happened at that concert scares me. Is that what Hell is like? Bodies upon bodies compressed together with no relief, their cries muted by deaf uncaring ears.

I stumbled upon videos I cannot unsee. It makes me physically sick recalling them. I cannot imagine how the people felt being there in person. I wonder if the loved ones saw them too but that thought makes me nauseous even though it could be true.

I watched a news report today concerning one of the victims. Nothing brings you quicker to tears than a mother with a broken heart on full display

It makes sense how in the past, people would rip their clothing when in mourning… they wanted to reflect the anguish they felt in the inside.

Watching it made me want to pull my hair out and I am just a stranger.

I have read a lot of local news too.

A little boy, not even two, shot by a stray bullet to the head while he was in a car on the freeway. His mom was driving. The shooters were on the other side of the freeway going a different direction.

A baby. Born at the beginning of this pandemic. Separated from his father due to closed borders. A baby dead. A freeway shooting. They weren’t even involved. They were just driving like we all do in our daily lives.

I remember not being surprised by freeway shootings on 880 or I-80. A few that happened years ago near the exit to my house. Bullets exchanged near my old work.

But I wasn’t worried. How could I be? I was under the mindset that if I mind my own business and keep to myself I would be safe.

After all, I do not live in a bad area. I keep to myself. I do the right things… but what did that baby boy do wrong?

Nothing. His death was senseless. And it hurts.

A concert was canceled. A shooting nearby hit one of the concert goers waiting in line. Thankfully, she is ok.

Waiting in line now has risks. Or perhaps it always has, now it is just in the limelight

Sometimes I think the world will end in my lifetime. I have mixed feelings because I know that if it does end then it is God’s will. And God will never betray me.

But I am selfish because I want to experience having a family of my own. But do I really want to raise a family in a scary world such as this?

I read a graphic novel where the protagonist wills himself into a coma because it is less stressful. Life is easier when you are just simply sleeping

I feel the same way. Sometimes all I look forward to is sleep. No pain, no health problems.

Just a long period of sleep.

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