Lately I’ve been feeling down. I have let my thoughts get the best of me.
You’re easily replaceable.
You make no impact whatsoever
If you died today you wouldn’t have to stress anymore. It’ll just be over.
And so on, and so forth…
Usually, some alone time in a coffee shop, library, or a park would clear my mind. An hour glued to a sketchbook can do wonders to my morale.
If those don’t work, then a simple venting session where I sloppily pour my irrational thoughts and fears to my friends can quell my anxieties.
But lately it’s been harder to do such things. Coffee shops and libraries are closed. It is too cold for the park. And when I try to replicate the atmosphere of such places in my home, the ambiance is ruined by household responsibilities, work, and other people..
Venting isn’t the same either. I don’t want to burden my friends. I feel like they all have their lives, and when I text them the conversations are short. I don’t want to be a bother. I think I need them more than they do me. I don’t know what I can offer other than my presence, but I doubt that is enough. I need to be more self sufficient.
I want to change this.
I don’t want nightmares every night.
I don’t want to cry over insecurities and imagined scenarios.
I want to be kind to myself.
And today my act of kindness is this:
“You can do this, Ana. I believe in you.”