Right now it is 1:45am. My windows are open and I can hear the train pass by with its distant rumbles. Sometimes I hear shouting from my neighbors or a random car alarm. Every time I move my bed creaks.

It has been like this for three nights already. Three nights of me listening to my window and my bed. Three nights of listening to my thoughts and daydreams (my weak attempt to see real dreams).

I am frustrated, yes, but I’m used to not having control. If 2020 taught me anything it was how little control I actually have over my life. My life is a boat carried by a river, and my influence are the paddles that guide it. But ultimately it is the River that decides my direction.

In my life I want to spend time with my loved ones.

I want to tell each of my friends that I love them. I want to hold my family members and tell them I love them.

I want to sleep without any lingering foul feelings towards another. I want to sleep knowing that my loved ones know that I care for them, just in case I never wake up again.