Pitfall

I almost fell into it again.

I was scrolling on the feed and saw everyone’s posts. I kept thinking to myself, “Wow they have wonderful lives. They’re all very beautiful. They go on adventures. They’re experienced.”

Then I took a mental look at myself, I imagined how I would look to an outsider: laying down on the couch in my pajamas, eating mac and cheese, watching anime. I was the embodiment of a couch potato.

I know that social media is a platform to basically bring attention to yourself. It fuels our egos. Each post is another dose of self praise to ignite our lonely hearts.

People lie. They exaggerate. They only present the best.

Yet

They were still able to travel, be with friends, and have fun.

Are their hearts as lonely as mine? What is this void we are trying to fill?

No amount of selfies or artworks or posts or quick witted words will be able to fill it.

“That work is amazing.” “You’re cute” “Your poem was beautiful” “You’re funny”

Empty words.

My work needs work. My beauty will fade. Other poets can express themselves better. My jokes come from old memes.

I am not enough. So why even try?

.

.

.

This was the spiral I almost fell into. In the past, I fell into it a lot— often on purpose. I enjoyed wallowing I’m self pity. I wanted to feel something, and the easiest way to do that was to be sad for myself.

It’s different now.

Of course, I’m not enough. I am only human. I am only a small ripple in the ocean— one of many.

But what brings me joy in the end is that I know I’m not alone. God is with me.

It may seem like shallow words, but this is the only way to express what I truly feel and believe in. My life doesn’t matter, God matters. And God loves me, so that means I matter. This is my paradox. “Me” alone is not enough and never will be. I am filled with flaws. I will make mistakes. I will doubt myself. I will never be enough.

God on the other hand, God is enough. He makes up for all of the things that I lack.

And I am eternally grateful for that.

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