Absent Thoughts

There are times where I just think just a little too much. If I die today, what will I leave for tomorrow? I am a mixture of faith and doubt. If I did die unexpectedly, my family would be left with a small debt in their hands and memories of me. I would have left my mark in the world with the few pieces of artwork I have. I would want everyone to move on and be happy. If I did die today I would meet God and would be content. I would die content and at peace.

But I am still alive. I am still alive. I am joyful and full of love. I have dreams of the future. I have things I want do to, things I need to achieve. I am filled with desire. Sometimes I want to be alone but not too alone. Just alone enough to take care of myself. I want to get my thoughts together without worrying about another person’s well being.

Where is God in this? I am confident that He knows what is best for me. I should not worry about the unknown, about whether or not I will be able to do all my wants. Wants that I dare not speak out loud as I am afraid I would never achieve them. I have no control of the future. I love God with all my heart, nothing will change that fact.

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